Been thinking alot lately. I've been trying to heal. Trying to not feel sorry for myself. I threw myself back into doing hair, which I love, getting back to reality thought I was doing great. Yeah, I wish. I don't know why but yesterday I fell back into it. I'm trying so hard to not be sad. Trying not to mope around the house. Trying to put my tough face on. But I'm scared. I'm scared to move on. This isn't how I saw my future. I had already gotten my maternity clothes out, started planning on moving Ty in with E and what to do with the nursery. Pictured me showing at christmas. Pictured spring, Mother's day with a new baby. And now I have no control. I have no idea what is ahead of us. I can't handle seeing a pregnant woman right now, babies, baby clothes. I avoid them all like the plague. We keep saying we will try again but I'm scared to try again. I'm terrified of losing another baby. What if I can't have any more? What if I'm done? Can I handle another one? And so now I'm left feeling uneasy, stressed, sad and anxious. I did my friend Tiffany's hair today. Tiffany is my friend who lost her husband, Paul to cancer last July. I wouldn't dream of comparing what I'm going through to what she is going through but talking to her really helped. Felt silly bawling my eyes out, pouring out my concerns while coloring her hair but I'm so glad I got to spend some time with her today. What an amazingly strong woman and what an example she is. I'm so thankful for our friendship and for her kind words. I'm going to take the advice she gave me today. To take a little bit of time to grieve my loss and find some type of new reality. To realize that it's going to be ok and trust that whatever life throws at me, I have the most amazing husband, family and friends who will be there to catch me when I fall.

I'm done hiding under my rock. I'm ready to come out and be part of the world again. Thank you all for your kindness towards me and my little family. So many people have stepped up, it definately helped me not feel so alone. Walking out of the drs office Monday babyless was horrible. I felt like I was doing the walk of shame. I hated it. When I saw the ultrasound, I knew immediately . I've had 3 healthy babies, never have had a problem so when I saw the screen I just knew. I was ok until the nurse handed me a box of tissue and I lost it. Poor Greg lost a baby and his wife for a whole week. I don't know how many times I called him because I just needed him and He was there. I love him so much. The kids are all doing ok, handling the disappointment in their own ways. Poor Ash was so excited when we told her we were pregnant. She has been wanting a sister for a long time and she was sure this was it. We loved getting our weeky emails about what the baby was doing, how it was growing, and looking up baby names. Ashton had a list of names of her own, of course they were all girl names. Poor thing. She has been really quiet, thank heavens she was at school during the worst of it. Poor Ethan however wasn't and saw me at my worst. My body wasn't getting the message that the baby was gone and I wasn't fully miscarrying. So, I had to take some medication to make me dialate and cramp and deliver. It didn't really do anything until day 3 when I was suppossed to get Ethan to school. Poor little guy was traumatized. There I was in the bathroom totally irrational, sobbing, finally miscarrying our baby and He missed the bus. I didn't know what to do and lost my temper with him. Thank heavens my friend Kristie just happened to stop by, heard me sobbing and took Ethan to school for me. Ethan still doesn't understand what's going on. That night He said the family prayer and said, "Please bless the baby will go back in Mommy's tummy." Made me cry all over again. He insisted on being my little shadow all week, wanted to sleep with me, scratched my back and kept telling me "I'm sorry your baby died Mommy." It has been really rough, I'm not gonna lie. It still hurts, I don't know when it will stop. I know it will. I'm just so thankful for my wonderful and patient husband, my 3 beautiful kids and my amazing friends.


So, because I was wallowing in my sorrows I completely neglected my duty to save all our memories on our little bloggie! Here's what I forgot to add:

UEA weekend we went to Fairview, just our little fam, to recuperate from the makeover. I'm so glad we did this and had that time together. I started miscarrying the night we got back and am so grateful we went and had the best stress free family weekend before all it happened.

There's my man! Oh how I love him!


Tyson wanted to kiss the fish and when we killed them he would say, "Oh poor fishy"

Ethan's fish!

Ashton caught the first fish of the day with that teeny stick, some fishing line she found, a hook and a worm! I know, she's out of control! So funny!

My sweet little boys!

Our favorite...Red Ribbon week! Ashton loved crazy hair day!

Ethan played his last football game of the season:

His "gold medal"

That's my football player!

It was a smidge cold so Ashy and Tyty snuggled under a blanket on the field!

Ethan with coach Morgan. Go Blue Wolves!

Cornbellies at Thanksgiving Point!

Our 2 favorite pumpkins off the pumpkin tree!

Instead of playing in the sand box, we played in the corn box!

My Ashy girl!

Me with my babes on the haunted hayride!

THE ADAMSON HALLOWEEN PARTY

Lala dressed up as a nerd

the 2 ninjas, Ethan and Jake

Tyson playing with the toy spiders

Ty was too distracted by the spiders that He could care less about dinner.

Batgirl and my angel!

Hope everyone had a very Happy Halloween!

We couldn't wait to hold you
And see your pretty face.
To count your little fingers,
And check your toes are in their place.

It should have been the happiest day
To remember all our life.
But joy had turned to heartache,
No breath, no beat, no life.

We will never see you smile,
Or hear your hearty cry.
We will never be able to dry your tears,
Or share your happy times.

Our precious little Angel,
We will always know your face.
In our hearts and stars forever,
You will always have a place.
~Unknown

Makeovers!

We did it! We made it! I'm still reeling in excitement! Let's start at the beginning. This makeover was suppossed to be only the Gleason Family, but because we had so many volunteers, we were able to do more! I was ready to just sit back and enjoy this from an outside looking in point of view. There wasn't really a job for me besides the 'social media' I always do, like handling the blog and facebook page. And then this makeover grew and I ended up helping Connie, who was the project manager. I got to go meet 5 awesome families who have children like Pressley who needed some help. We ended up only doing 4 room makeovers and the Now I Can facility. I loved my role. I've never got to do this! I loved it! I got to really know and love these families. It was scary there for a sec, when a designer dropped out, but as they always do, it worked out and I truly believe it turned out better! Here is a little look in:

Gleason Makeover:


The Gleason Family on Demolition day.

The boys loved coming and visiting Daddy on site!

Tyson, E, and Ky taking a donut break!

Here's Ty wearing Greg's work gloves! They made him feel pretty special!

Tearing off the back porch to make room for the addition!

Here's the new Heart 2 Home trailer! Pretty shnazzy huh!

Seeing all the volunteers who came on site were amazing! On Reveal day we had so many of Mindy's neighbors shoveling dirt and laying sod, most of whom wee over 60years old! Very humbling!

The BYU football team came out again and worked! Jaide (bottom right) loved it I'm sure! haha! The football player in the white shirt asked her out. Greg's been teasing her ever since!

Jason Speredon and the rest of the football team working!

Connie got to do a very special mural for Pressley's bedroom!

I was able to spend reveal day with the Gleason family. Mandalyn Academy in American Fork pampered Mindy with a pedicure and I got to sit with her and be with the sweet family during their special day!

Then, we went to PF Changs for lunch with the Micki, The Gleasons and their parents. Lunch was so yummy. Thankyou PF Changs!

I took this picture of Mike and Pressley during lunch. It was so cute, I couldn't resist!

We must have worn her out because during lunch Presley fell asleep! What a little angel

`

Thankyou again PF Changs!

After lunch we had to rush over to meet at the church down the street from Mindy's house for the reveal. We were all so excited!

Cosmo was there. At first, Presley cried when she saw him and then she couldn't get enough of him!

Thankyou Cosmo and the Orem Police for coming out and leading the convoy!

One last pic before we head out! We had to take separate cars because of all of Presley's machines so Micki and I got to ride in the Cosmobile! Too cool!

What a rush! It was so much fun and so cool to see what our families see. Overwhelming!

Tada! Welcome home Gleason Family! We love you!

Tada! Here's Pressley's new room! Simply beautiful! Good job J Team and Connie!

I think Presley likes her "buh fly" room don't you?

I love you Gleason family! I hope this little addition will help your family! Thankyou for letting me be a part of your story! I will remember it forever! Love you guys!

And Now off to the Now I Can makeover!

Here are some Before pics:

Here are some working pictures:

Connie and Micki working on the Mural in a therapy room!

A bathroom, sorry, it's upside down.

After pics:

another bathroom (upside down again, what's my prob?

The Reaction from Tracey who started Now I Can! Priceless!

Group pic at the reveal!

"Pressley's Friends' room love overs"

The Martin Family:

This is Bella Martin, a beautiful 3 year old girl suffering from Cerebral Palsy. Katie Pace was the team leader for her makeover and did a great job!

Before pic.

After pic

Bella with her Mom, Kendra! I think they like it!

Such a sweetie!

I hope you like your room Bella!




The Fox family:

This is 3 year old Brandon Fox. He has cerebral palsy also. He has a twin sister and 2 brothers who are also twins. When we went to meet with the Fox family we knew we had to do both rooms. And so we planned! It was all set until wednesday when we couldn't get a hold of the designer who had signed up. We were scrambling! Then all of a sudden, we got a call that the girl who was doing the twin sister had run with it and wanted to do the boys as well! MIRACLE! Couldn't believe it! We were a lil behind so Jaide and I went over to help and I got a call from the BYU service group asking if we needed help! Um uh huh! So we got 3 more painters and all was good! Thank you BYU we couldn't have done it without you!

Funny story, so I had my phone in my pocket when I bent over to pick up something and "Plop" my phone fell into that open can of pink paint! haha! It was hilarious! What are the chances for real! And guess what, it still works! hahaha!

Before pic of the boys' ro

Before pic of the boy's room:

After pic:

Obvioysly HUGE BYU fans!

Who better to carry you into your new "BYU ROOM" than Cosmo

Katelyn and Brandon shared a room before. So we decided to give Katelyn a girly room!

Here's a before, neutral:

Katelyn's reveal:

The Sanft Family:

This is 2 1/2 year old Dresden. Dresden has cerebral palsy and he works so hard trying to walk and use his right hand.

Dresden's before pic: Team Leader- Natalie Adamson (yep my sis in law and her mama)

Mid makeover pics:

Vicki painting the bathroom

Natalie's brother Parker helping. Let me remind you that they live in Layton and this house is in Provo! They were commuting and were happy to do it. Why? Because they are just that amazing!

Reveal time:

Cosmo and the family waiting to go in!

The After picture.

Tada! Dresden loved the toys! He went and played with them immediately! Oh yes, and the swing that is the same as the one he uses in therapy at Now I Can!

Playing with his new toys! Thankyou Natalie, Vicki and the rest of your team! You guys are amazing as usual!

The Juber Family:

I can't find Tyson Juber's pic right now but that's ok, He's in these pics. Tyson shares a room with his brother Karston. Parents Brande and Nate worked really hard trying to put this room together. The beds are actually one bed that Nate took apart and used 2x4s to make them. When we met with this family everyone of us had a special feeling with them! I don't know what it is but they are very special. My bestie Codi volunteered to be the team leader and as we walked out of the house she said she wanted to do the parent's room as well. We told her if she could pull it off then absolutely, she could do it. Her team sure did and then some. While visiting with them they realized that the 11 month old baby didn't have a crib and slept in a playpen in the paren't room. That wasn't ok with Codi and they got Jenna a cute little crib and spruced up older sister Brylee's room as well (couldn't track down the pics amongst the hundreds we have).

Tyson and Karston's before room:

The After:

I love the reaction!!!

The team that made it happen!

Brande took this picture of Tyson as she tucked him into bed that night. What a happy little boy! If we all had Tyson's enthusiasm for life, the world would be a better place! I love that little boy!

Brande and Nate's bedroom before:

The After:

This picture says it all! This is why I love Heart 2 Home! These families! I am so thankful to be able to meet these amazing families and help them have a little bit of joy in a life that sometimes may seem unfair or hard. They are the true heroes who work hard every day to live! I love every one of these families so much and I'm so happy right now! Thank you Heart 2 Home!