1 week ago
Monday, November 8, 2010
Been thinking alot lately. I've been trying to heal. Trying to not feel sorry for myself. I threw myself back into doing hair, which I love, getting back to reality thought I was doing great. Yeah, I wish. I don't know why but yesterday I fell back into it. I'm trying so hard to not be sad. Trying not to mope around the house. Trying to put my tough face on. But I'm scared. I'm scared to move on. This isn't how I saw my future. I had already gotten my maternity clothes out, started planning on moving Ty in with E and what to do with the nursery. Pictured me showing at christmas. Pictured spring, Mother's day with a new baby. And now I have no control. I have no idea what is ahead of us. I can't handle seeing a pregnant woman right now, babies, baby clothes. I avoid them all like the plague. We keep saying we will try again but I'm scared to try again. I'm terrified of losing another baby. What if I can't have any more? What if I'm done? Can I handle another one? And so now I'm left feeling uneasy, stressed, sad and anxious. I did my friend Tiffany's hair today. Tiffany is my friend who lost her husband, Paul to cancer last July. I wouldn't dream of comparing what I'm going through to what she is going through but talking to her really helped. Felt silly bawling my eyes out, pouring out my concerns while coloring her hair but I'm so glad I got to spend some time with her today. What an amazingly strong woman and what an example she is. I'm so thankful for our friendship and for her kind words. I'm going to take the advice she gave me today. To take a little bit of time to grieve my loss and find some type of new reality. To realize that it's going to be ok and trust that whatever life throws at me, I have the most amazing husband, family and friends who will be there to catch me when I fall.
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3 comments:
Ooh Crystal I am so sorry. I can't even imagine how hard that would be. I love you. You and your family are in our prayers.
Crystal- we love you and miss you guys. Know that we're thinking about you all the way from the other side of the world...
Miscarriage is so hard. I cried for weeks after the first one. When I lost the second I was so angry I never even cried. I think it's okay to grieve as long as you need to.
Right now I'm involved in a study for women who want to conceive and have experienced miscarriage. They provide you with a ovulation monitor and a bunch of other stuff. They are studying the affects of aspirin on miscarriage---they think that taking a baby aspirin daily can make your blood cells thinner so that they can more easily nourish a tiny fetus. If you want to look into it, here is a link: http://www.eagertrial.org/utah.php
Did I mention you get paid to participate, along with the bonus of the expensive ovulation testing stuff. I have two friends who have gotten pregnant while doing the study very quickly---I'm still waiting for that to happen. If you don't do the study, at least talk to your OB about taking aspirin while trying to conceive and throughout pregnancy. They had me do it with Kyle because I had so recently miscarried, and things went really well with him, obviously.
Sorry you had to go through this---it sucks. It gets easier as time passes, but I still get sad around the dates the babies were due and the days I miscarried.
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