It's been 15 weeks since my miscarriage. 15. Why do I still hurt? Why can't I move on? I'm sick of this! Is it really so bad that I yearn to wake up to find a belly, morning sickness, my horrible pregnant skin, charlie horses and stretch marks? Everyone keeps asking me when we are going to try again. Are we trying again? Do I want more kids? How am I? I DON'T KNOW!! I don't know if I want another baby now. I want THAT baby!!!! I want to BE 25 weeks pregnant NOW! I want to be HUGE on Mother's Day. I want to have a little baby on my hip this summer! I don't want to feel empty. I don't want to start over! I want my baby!!!
We moved Tyson out of the nursery and into Ethan's room so they can share. They loved it. They were so happy to be new roommates. But for me, I was once again reminded that the nursery isn't going to have a new arrival anytime soon. It was empty, like I was. Ashy started crying about how it wasn't fair that Ethan gets a new roommate. She wants a little sister to share her stuff with and yet, she can't have one. I feel so bad that I can't give her what she really wants. Life isn't fair.
And so we decided to change the nursery into a craft room for me & Ashton. Which is great. I love having a room for my craftiness to come out. And yet, when the house is quiet and I'm in that room I lose it. It just does not feel right to me. That room was suppossed to be getting ready for my baby and it's not.
I think about trying again to have another baby and I am so scared. My miscarriage has changed me. I feel like I'm not the same person I was 15 weeks ago. I'm damaged. So, would this new person that I am be able to handle getting pregnant? I miss the old me. I miss that person for myself, for my kids and for my sweet husband who deserves better than this damaged woman. Will I ever find the old me again?
1 month ago
2 comments:
Love you Crys.
I'm sorry you're going through this.
The bad news is that it always hurts. I remember each of my miscarriage on the day it happened and the day they were due. Taylor has to keep a list in his wallet so he knows to be super nice on those days :)
The good news is that time does heal. But I'm just like you, I count the weeks since it happened and the week in pregnancy that I should be. We just lost another one on new year's---just as the ball was dropping---so I'm in the same boat; trying to wrap my head around it.
I lost a baby before each of my babies. And while I mourn what was lost, I also recognize that both Kyle and Claire were conceived during the time I should have been pregnant with the ones before them. Claire took six months more, Kyle came the next month, and I can't imagine life without these two.
Having another baby makes it easier---but it's the getting them here that is hard. Right now I'm in the process of wondering what would happen if we tried and I lost again. I think I'd be too devastated to ever try again. So, just know that you're not alone!
And if the grief is really affecting your life---go talk to someone about it---even if it's just your OB. I'm lucky because Taylor is a therapist so I have live-in help :)
Sorry that was super long---I just know how it feels.
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